TEACHING NOTES Introduction Last week we learned from Gen. 1-2 that God’s purpose for marriage is unity. In a world driven by individualism, Christians must reject this selfish worldview and seek humility and unity. In marriage, we are not two individuals but we are “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). ‌ Problem: Christians do not know how to deal with conflict. Solution: When in conflict, fight the problem not the person. ‌ How do we fight the problem? ‌1. Understand the source of the problem. ‌2. Die to yourself and choose to love. ‌ Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your hardship in raising children; in sorrow you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be against your husband, but he shall rule over you.” ‌ Hardship in raising children = While many English Bible say, “I will multiply your pain in childbearing” this is not the most accurate translation. God did not create the concept of physical pain as a punishment. The Hebrew word issabon refers to emotional pain and anxiety. It is the same word used in the next verse to refer to Adam’s hardship is growing food (Gen. 3:17). The point is that the presence of sin will cause all kinds of problems in raising children. ‌ Your desire shall be against your husband = One of the main consequences of sin is relational division. The wife will have desires against her husband and the husband will have desire against his wife. Interestingly, this same phrase is used in Gen. 4:7 by God to tell Cain that sin’s “desire is against you, but you must rule over him (serpent).” Sin is the source of our conflict. ‌ He shall rule over you = While many people think that the husband ruling over the wife is God’s intention, this view is incorrect and dangerous. The context of this phrase tells us that this is a result of sin, not God’s intention for marriage. As we read on in the Old Testament we will find men ruling over women and all of the negative consequences that follow. God’s intention was for Adam and Eve to be co-rulers of creation, not ruling over each other. The consequences of trying to rule of each other are deadly. Adam and Eve’s first child (Cain) ruled over his brother by killing him out of anger and jealousy. ‌ Proverbs 13:10 With pride comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom. ‌ Pride = Heb. zadon - an inflated view of oneself. Because men and women think differently, we tend to think that we are smarter or better than our spouse—even though we wouldn’t say that out loud. Simply because someone thinks differently does not mean they are wrong. Having an inflated view of yourself will only lead to more conflict and deflating your spouse. ‌ Strife = Heb. massah - fighting, contention, conflict. Pride, which is sin, is the source of strife. Our own pride is the problem we need to fight. Instead of fighting our spouse, we need to pause and consider our own pride and sin first. ‌ Those who take advice = Heb. noasim - Literally, “advice seekers.” It can also refer to those who are willing to receive correction. A person who takes advice is a person who knows they can be wrong, so they are open to wise counsel. A prideful person assumes they are right and is not willing to be wrong. ‌ Wisdom = Heb. hokmah - wisdom, experience, capacity to understand, skilled in living life properly. The prideful will have a life of turmoil and strife. The humble live a life of peace and gain wisdom. ‌ Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. ‌ A healthy marriage seeks wisdom at all costs. ‌ James 4:1–3 1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your desires are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot get what you want, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, to spend it on your desires. ‌ Quarrels and fights = Grk. polemoi kai machai - Literally, “wars and disputes.” ‌ Desires at war within you = The Greek word for “desires” here is hedonon, which is where we get the English word for hedonism—a worldview where personal pleasure is the highest priority. Our western culture teaches us to place high priority on individualism and personal happiness. James says that the source of our fights is a fight within ourselves. We often think the source is the other person. James wants us to realize that we are our own problem. Just like Adam and Eve, each of us is fighting for what we want and even our own desires are at war within us. ‌ You do not ask = James says that communication is vital. If you do not communicate, you cannot expect your spouse to understand. ‌ You ask with wrong motives = Every Christian must realize that we all have the ability to be manipulative. If we have the wrong motives when communicating, we will try to control the situation in your direction. James identifies this wrong motive as seeking only your own desires. ‌ How to Fight Fair: ‌1. Assume you are the problem. ‌2. Calm down and listen. ‌3. Fight the problem, not the person. ‌4. Make unity, not being right, the goal. ‌ Romans 5:1, 8 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faithfulness, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 8 but God shows his love for us in this way: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ‌ Be like Jesus = show love by self-sacrifice. ‌ Application ‌ Our Prayer: ‌God help us to fight our sin and love each other.